Nothing on You

March 11, 2011 chellesvbur

Everywhere I go, every corner I turn, every street I walk down, every shop I walk into, every club I dance in there is no one who catches my eye like you did. I remember the day like it was yesterday. The day we met. The day my life turned from a stressed out complicated mess to everything seeming so irrelevant but yet falling into place. It was a Monday in January. Everyone hates Mondays in January. Everyone hates Mondays in general what with the going back to work after an eventful or relaxing weekend. But January Mondays are so much worse. December is full of constant parties and Christmas cheer but January is starring at the scales in horror or crying over your credit card statement. January is when the little things in life seem so big. So of course I wasn’t in a fantastic mood that January Monday. I had spent the weekend bar hopping and pub crawling with old work friends and university friends in order to keep that buzz from December going. It didn’t work, I felt worse that January Monday morning with my throbbing hangover. I was walking down a random street in London, watching my feet stomp over the cracks and years old black chewing gum to get to yet another job interview for a job I’m not particularly interested in. I remember I walked past the building and only realised when I reached the pedestrian crossing, I knew if I had reached the crossing than I had gone too far. I looked behind me and saw a woman in a purple coat hurry up some stairs into a normal looking building, I instantly knew that that was where I was meant to go. I picked up my pace and soon stood at the foot of the stairs of the normal looking building. Two stone columns designed to look like Roman columns stood proudly either side of the front door, holding up a stone balcony with pots of flowers perched on the stone walls. The building didn’t look like the sort of place a job interview would take place. Still it was the right building. I hesitantly walked up the stairs and through the two wooden doors with a small gold plated sign announcing the building as a ‘Networking Space’. The corridor was small with dirty white paint covering the lumpy walls and a well word faded navy blue carpet. At the end of the corridor was a desk with a small blonde haired girl behind it. She was so tiny, she could barely look over the large white glass desk. She doesn’t look up when I approach, she just points to a white wooden on the right. I smile politely but she doesn’t notice. I can’t see what she’s engrossed in. I slowly push open the white door expecting to see a mean man sat behind a big black desk looking stern and unimpressed by me. Instead there is a set of tables set in a square with right plastic chairs it. Sat in one of those chairs is the woman in the purple coat. She looks at me and frowns, obviously trying to work out the competition. Sat next to her is a young nervous guy fiddling with his red and purple patterned tie (over a blue shirt, obviously he doesn’t know or care that all the colours clash). I smile politely and move to the other side of the table and sit opposite Nervous Guy, Purple Coat Woman is still frowning at me. “Hi” I say giving a small wave. Nervous Guy smiles. “Hey, here for the job interview?” He asks. I nod. “Yeah you?” Nervous Guy gives a small nervous laugh. “Yes. I didn’t realise it would be a group interview though” He fiddles with his tie more, nervously glancing at Purple Coat Woman. whom is remaining silent by staring out of the windows. “No neither did I” I reply. An awkward silence falls. I almost feel like getting out my mobile and checking out Facebook but I know potential employers are probably close by watching us, studying us, seeing who stands out the most. “So where have you come from today?” I ask both of them but only Nervous Guy looks at me. “Romford, you?” “Thurrock” I smile. Nervous Guy relaxes. “Near me then” I nod. “I was only at Lakeside the other day” “Oh right…cool” Nervous Guy nods enthusiastically. “Yeah done some shopping, went to the cinema and watched Nicholas Cage new film Drive Angry in 3D. It’s amazing! You should see it” Nervous Guy eyes are sparkling now he is relaxing, obviously needs familiarity to feel comfortable. “Oh right cool. I’ll check it out” Another awkward silence falls. Purple Coat Woman is remaining stubbornly silent. I feel like winding her up for something to do. I stare at her and ask her where she has come from. At first she ignores me but I continue to stare. She twitches at my gaze before sighing and dropping her shoulders “Stratford” she says at last. Her voice is really high pitched like a little girls. “Oh right cool” I say again. “Yes” she mumbles. Another awkward silence falls. Purple Coat Woman resumes her intent gaze out of the windows whilst Nervous Guy fiddles with his tie but smiles brightly when he catches my eye. I glance at my watch, it’s almost time for the interview to begin, thank gosh otherwise I would die of silent boredom. For something to do I stare at Purple Coat Woman just to make her feel uncomfortable again. Suddenly the door swings wide open and bangs against the wall and in walks You, casually strolling in like you own the place. Your wearing a grey suit with a blood red shirt and carrying your ridiculous brown leather battered briefcase you found in your fathers wardrobe and loved ever since. You hesitate at the door debating where to sit. I smile at you to encourage you to sit next to me. It works as you casually stroll to the plastic chair next to me, pull it back and flop into it, dropping your briefcase on the floor next to you where it makes a dull heavy thud. You turn your upper body towards me and smile. I gasp. Your eyes are stunning, they look purple in colour and are surrounded by long black lashes. I feel an instant attraction to you, a spark igniting between us. I thought I was the only one that felt it but you later confirmed you had felt it too. I felt like we had spent a lifetime together, that I knew all your secrets and hidden depths. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I felt so secure and comfortable in your presence, like I was being given a massage to relax me. “How’s it going?” You asked. I can barely find my voice to reply so taken in by the awe of you I was. “It’s going okay thanks. Yourself?” You shrug, a small gesture but one I understand, a gesture that says you don’t want to be here but like me you will accept any job at the moment. I smile in understanding and you instantly respond with a mega watt smile and sparkling purple eyes. I’m entranced by your eyes, I can hardly think around you let alone remember to breathe. The door opens again and in walks a woman in her late thirties wearing a black suit followed by a man in his early thirties also wearing a black suit. They both look like they are extras from the Men in Black films. We all stand up and shake hands. The interview process begins. It is long and hard work. We have to introduce ourselves in great detail then explain why we are more suitable for the job than the others. After that is a role-play exercise where we have to sell a product to the interviewers. It’s a good four hours until we are granted a short fifteen minute break. Purple Coat Woman has been giving it her all, obviously determined to get the job. I couldn’t care less, it’s a useless job with crap career prospects and no relation to what I want to do anyway. I notice you step outside so I decide to follow. Being away from you for even a second seems too long. You’re at the foot of the stairs lighting a cigarette. You look up and give me a small wave. I slowly walk down the stairs and sit on the third step watching you inhale your cigarette deeply before exhaling the smoke slowly. “Do you smoke?” You ask in your silk voice. I shake my head. “No? Neither do I” You look at your cigarette in your hand and give a small laugh “Well I try not to but it’s so intense in there aint it?” I give a small nod. “Bloody stupid if you ask me. All these tasks to find out if we can sell advertising space in the back of a magazine that nobody reads anyway” You shake your head. “Bloody stupid” You stub your cigarette out under your black shoe and start doing a little jig “Fucking freezing” You comment. I just nod again. I can’t feel the cold from the biting wind or stone stairs. All I can feel is the warmth washing off you and filling me with hope and happiness. “Where about have you come from?” I ask. You jump slightly at my voice, obviously thinking I was too shy to speak. “Essex, you?” I smile. “Same, Thurrock, near Lakeside you?” You laugh loudly. “Thurrock too, shitty Grays” I nod knowing shitty Grays well. A new hope fills my heart, you live close by so even after today I could see you again. Nervous Guy suddenly appears at the main doors. “Hey its judgement time” he announces before disappearing back inside. “Oh right cool” I say standing up and brushing down my backside. I turn to walk up the stairs but you grab my arm. Electricity fizzes through that touch, a current so strong we could light an entire office building for years to come. “Wait” I turn and look at you. There’s something new your eyes, a sort of yearning. “Can I have your number please?” My heart flips. I couldn’t believe you wanted to stay in contact. I was just going to loiter around Grays town centre a lot hoping one day I would bump into you. I take your Blackberry you are holding out to me and quickly punch in my number on your small QWERTY keyboard. You silently take the mobile and speedily type something before slipping it in your inside suit jacket pocket. With a flash of a smile we head back into the stuffy room for judgement time. As we take out seats I have the sudden urge to grab your hand. I didn’t even want this job but now its decision time suddenly I’m worried they won’t pick me. I glance over at Purple Coat Woman, she’s sitting perfectly straight, not taking her gaze away from the door. Nervous Guy is fiddling with his tie, it’ll be thread bare by the end of the day. And you, you look so relaxed, so calm like it’s no big deal, which you late told me it wasn’t as it wasn’t your ideal job. The door opens and in walks the Men in Black extras. The woman is holding a black clipboard with the pen dangling from its chain, marking her crisp white shirt with its black ink. I can’t help smiling at this. It just tickles me that even big bosses aren’t flawless. It tickles me even more when I think about her noticing it later, wondering how she got it and if we had noticed. The woman see’s my smile and gives me a short strained smile. The man clears his throat. “We would like to thank you all for coming today. You have all been exceptional candidates. We have however come to a decision. Two of you shall be joining us for one to one interviews. Sadly two of you shall be going home but we thank you for coming today.” The woman grabs the dangling pen via its chain, giving herself a lovely black line on her white shirt. She clears her throat and announces their two lucky, more exceptional candidates. There are gasps of relief and disappointment. Nervous Guy looks like his going to cry whilst Purple Coat Woman just nods as if she already knew; You look as calm as before and me? Well I’m indifferent. We all stand and shake hands. The Men in Black extras leave leaving the four of us in awkward silence. The one to one interviews start in five minutes so there’s not much time to prepare for them. You turn to me with your mega watt smile. “It was nice to meet you” You say. “You too” I say, flashing my most brilliant smile. “I’ll call you, maybe we can go for a drink” I nod my head coyly. “I would like that” You wink, stroke my arm and then leave the room followed by Purple Coat Woman. I sigh staring after you wistfully. Nervous Guy walks over beside me. “Gutted” he says, his voice cracking. I look at him his shoulders are slumped and his head is hanging low. “Yeah but they were obviously the more exceptional candidates” I explain. Nervous Guy shrugs and proceeds to leave. So I didn’t get chosen for the one to one interviews, I didn’t really want the job anyway. I follow Nervous Guy out of the room. I look around for you but there’s no sign of anyone except the tiny receptionist. I hoped you were outside having a sneaky cigarette but there’s no one, well random pedestrians but no one with a mega watt smile and purple sparkling eyes. I sigh again and walk to the tube station, watching my feet as they step over cracks and years old black chewing gum, with the hope that you at least took my number so it’s not a total lost cause. However two weeks past and I still haven’t heard from you. I kept making excuses that you were busy working but as the days passed I lost hope until eventually I gave up hoping. I kept going over that day, questioning every action, debating whether I had come on too strong or if you were stringing me along but then why take my number? It’s madness how I couldn’t get you out of my head. I even took to going to Grays every day, especially the train station to see if I could catch a sight of you. I was infatuated by you and yet I had only met you once, it was ridiculous. I was sitting on my bed, snacking on Rainbow Drops and watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days when my mobile with its Sex and the City theme tune ringtone started vibrating on my desk. I reach over and grab it, expecting it to be a phone interview for some job. It was a number I didn’t recognise so it was likely it could be a phone interview. I pressed the answer button and lazily held the mobile to my ear, I wasn’t really in the mood for a phone interview. “Hello” I answered with a false cheeriness. “Hello you” I sat bolt upright, it was you. “Hi” excitement rushing into my voice. “How’s you been?” you ask, a hint of a smile in your voice. “Yeah good you?” “Alright thanks” There’s a silence, I’m holding my breath. “I was just calling to see if you fancy meeting up for a drink tomorrow night?” My heart is racing so fast, I swear it’s going to burst out of my chest. “Yeah cool that sounds like a plan” “Cool, how about The Boat in Lakeside? They do amazing cocktails?” “The Boat sounds cool” I hear you chuckle, wondering why. “Good. See you tomorrow at The Boat at eight?” “Okay see you then” “Bye” the phone rings off. My mind is buzzing wondering what I should wear, what I should say, if it was a date or not. Oh the agony of preparing for a first date is always so much harder than taking a three hour exam. The following evening at almost eight I’m standing outside The Boat’s double red doors mentally preparing myself for possibly the biggest date of my life. All day I’ve been nervous, changing my outfit many times, feeling almost to the brink of calling it off but knowing I never would. I was also secretly panicking that you would text me calling it off but you didn’t and here we are both in the same place ready to meet and perhaps kick off something that has the potential to be truly amazing. Or something that has the potential to be truly awful, but I doubt it would be considering the electricity that was fizzing between us at the interview. I know it’s just my nerves overwhelming me, I think I’m more nervous of this date than I ever was of that job interview. I didn’t care whether I got that job or not but I do care very much about whether this date works out amazing or works out really shit and I really hope it’s not the latter. I take a deep breath preparing myself to be as amazing as I can be so that you will instantly fall for me. Of course you later tell me you were hoping for the same thing and I replied rather cheesy that I fell for you the moment you looked at me with your purple sparkling eyes in that interview room that January Monday. My hand is on the red door ready to push it open, ready to begin the night I’ve been dreaming of ever since I met you. All I have to do is push the door…jus push it…it doesn’t take much effort to just push a door open… “Excuse me are you going in?” I look behind me and there’s a man standing there with a questioning look on his face, behind him is a woman and two young children. I blush fiercely and nod my head whilst pushing the door wide open and holding it for the man and his family. They all say thank you as I stand there smiling shamefully and blushing the same colour as the door. Not quite how I expected to start this evening but I guess I was looking a bit weird standing there with my hand on the door but not actually opening it. The atmosphere in The Boat is buzzing with excited chatter. A group of students is sitting at the circle table beside the entrance, every now and then they erupt into cheers. Other groups of people are dotted around the bar area of The Boat, all drinking tall glasses or beer or spirits, all chatting and laughing away. I tentatively walk towards the bar at the back of The Boat. We never agreed where we were meeting but the bar sounds like the most obvious place to meet. There are a few people standing at the bar, all it seems waiting for someone to arrive. They glance at me, notice I’m not who they are waiting for and go back to staring at their drinks. There’s only one person still looking at me and I would recognise those sparkling purple eyes anywhere, along with that mega watt smile you are now giving me. I can’t help smiling brightly myself. All my nerves seem to have evaporated into the noisy dining area above. I slowly walk towards you, my gaze never leaving yours. “Hey you” You say in your silky voice. My knees start to tremble just being in your amazing presence. “Hey” I give a little wave, how stupid was that. You wink and lean towards me placing a delicate kiss on my cheek. Goosebumps race over my body, my cheek tingling as you pull back. “I’m so glad you came” you whisper “I’m so glad you came, I was worried you might cancel” I nervously tell you. “Why would I do that?” you genuinely look puzzled. “Oh I’m sure you wouldn’t…you haven’t. It’s just my nerves” You smile gently and place your hand upon mine which is resting on the bar. Your hand is smooth and warm, I get the sudden urge to entwine my fingers with yours however I resist that urge. “It’s fine, no need to be nervous” I nod my head in agreement, my heart still beating furiously “It’s just drinks” and then it plummets. I didn’t know if this was a date or not but those three words just confirmed it. You weren’t interested in my being more than just a friend and now I feel so ridiculously stupid for feeling so nervous, for daydreaming how the date would go in so many ways (usually ending with us sharing a glorious kiss) and finally for wasting my time for ever thinking you may actually like me. All my nerves and worries have definitely gone and now my attitude is one of nonchalance. “Talking about drinks would you like one?” you offer. “Yes, thank you. A Strongbow please” I lean casually against the bar watching as you order a Strongbow for me and a neat Southern Comfort for yourself. You smile politely as the drinks are being prepared. I can’t think of a single thing to spark a conversation so I just smile politely back and watch the barman. It seems to take forever for the barman to pour two drinks but it only seems that way as the friendly silence between us slowly dissolves into awkward silence. Finally the drinks are poured and the money paid “Where would you like to sit?” You ask glancing around the bar area. It is quite packed with no two seats together, not to mention the noise is so loud, one to one conversation would be almost impossible. “How about outside? I know it’s cold but that just means there’s more chance of getting a seat and of hearing each other talk” “Good idea” you grab your drink and proceed to walk towards the side door. I grab my cold pint glass of Strongbow and follow behind you. You lead us outside and up the stairs to the very top of the boat. There’s a slight biting wind but you find a table in a sheltered spot that overlooks the boardwalk with its lights sparkling prettily against the lake. At first we sit silence both watching people walk along the boardwalk “Such a pretty view” you mention, I nod in agreement “I don’t suppose many people stop and admire how pretty the boardwalk is of a night” “No I suppose you’re right” I glance at you, you’re still watching the boardwalk; the lights reflecting in your eyes. You do look so amazing that my heart yearns for this to be more than just drinks. You suddenly catch my eye and smile warmly, your eyes softening, you look almost content. “So did you get that job?” I ask trying not to sound too keen or too envious. “Oh what that sales job?” you pause as you take a sip, the suspense killing me “nah that girl in the purple coat got it” I nod as if it’s obvious, which it was. “I’m sorry you didn’t get through” you add, I chuckle. “It’s okay I didn’t really want it anyway, it was just a job for money” “Same, it was a pretty useless job. All this stuff about becoming manager in a year it’s ridiculous no one progresses that fast in a decent job” I nod my head in agreement “That guy though was never going to get it, he was too nervous and that girl who did get it wow she was determined. She had all these amazing answers, next to her I looked like a total idiot” You shake your head in amazement, taking another sip of your neat Southern Comfort. “How can you drink that neat?” I blurt out before I can stop myself. I can feel myself blushing so I quickly look towards the boardwalk hoping you can’t see however you just laugh a loud barking laugh. “You don’t know how many times I get asked that” I slowly look at you again as my blush subsides “Why do you drink Strongbow?” you ask gesturing to the pint glass in my hand that I was just about to take a sip from. “I erm like the taste I guess” I murmur taking my sip which actually turns into a few gulps. “Exactly, you like the taste of Strongbow and I like the taste of neat Southern Comfort” a silence falls between us, I’m not quite sure what to say after that, it was like you were almost telling me off. “So been up to anything exciting since the interview?” you ask nonchalantly. “Nope nothing exciting. Applying for more jobs. Had a couple of phone interviews but nothing came out of them. You?” “Same really, applying for jobs, more interviews. It’s very tedious this job hunting lark” I nod in agreement. I want to ask you why you waited so long to meet up but it doesn’t seem appropriate if this is just friends. “Oh and finally ending my break up” you add as if reading my mind. My head snaps up, you look so sad, I just want to hold you in my arms and tell you everything will be okay. “I’m sorry” I say with genuine feeling. “Don’t be it’s not your fault” you give a half smile, the sparkle vacant from your purple eyes. “We’ve been on and off for months. Arguing a lot, breaking up but then convincing ourselves we are meant for each other, everything going well for a week or two and then we start arguing again. That’s not a relationship and a couple of weeks ago I realised I deserved more, I deserved someone better so I ended it completely, cut all contact so we can’t make up. It’s hard but I think it’s for the best. We weren’t good for each other in the end” “How long were you two together?” “Three years. The first two were blissful, the final year was hell. I think it all went downhill when I told her I didn’t want to get married yet. I think she read that as I didn’t want to get married to her at all so she became really difficult” You shrug your shoulders and finish your drink in one mouthful. You slam the glass down and sigh “anyway what about yourself? With anyone?” you ask, your eyes penetrating mine. “Nope no one, completely single. Haven’t found anyone I spark with to be with” you just nod. So we’re two single people having drinks together?” you say almost too casually. My heart starts to beat faster. “Yes I guess we are” I say slowly, daring to believe the twist in the evening. “Oh right…I suppose we could make this a date” my breath catches, I can barely think of a witty retort. “I suppose we can” and with that we both smile, our friendly over polite manner becoming more intimate. We remain on the roof of The Boat talking about jobs, interests, the usual getting to know each other chatter. We barely hear one of the staff members telling us The Boat is closed. We’re so engrossed in each other we barely notice that we’ve both got in a taxi heading towards Grays. It’s like we are the only people that exist in the whole world or at least in my version of the world we are. The taxi soon stops at Grays train station. I try to pay the driver the money but you snatch my note away and pay him your own. “But you’ve paid for everything all night” I complain as we exit the taxi and walk a few metres away. “So? I don’t mind” you say casually with a cheeky smile. “Well I do. Next time I’m paying” I say adamantly, I even stamp my foot which you raise your eyebrows to. “Oh so there’ll be a next time will there?” I halt, my breath whooshing out of me. Did I say there was a next time? “Erm only if you want there to be a next time” I reply, my fingers gripping each other tightly. You take a step closer to me and lift my face up so our eyes meet. “I would love there to be a next time” you say quietly, your breath tickling my face. Your breath smells strongly of Southern Comfort but it seems to add to your allure. Your face is getting closer now, oh gosh here is it the first kiss, the end of the date. I can barely stand I’m so nervous, then something clicks. “Hey you never smoked tonight” I exclaim. You stop moving towards me and open your eyes. You’re looking at me funny. Oh gosh what if you think I don’t want to kiss you “sorry it just clicked with me” I smile apologetically which just makes you smile warmly. You close your eyes again and proceed to move towards me slowly. I close my eyes, your lips are almost touching mine. I hold my breath but quickly realise I need air for the kiss so I quickly and silently take a big gulp Then your lips are on mine. Your smooth silky lips. Our mouths move in unison in slow motion, those motions soon become bigger and more passionate. You place a hand on my cheek and gently stoke my cheek whilst the other hand is on my hip. I wrap my arms around your neck pulling you closer to me. I gently glide the tip of my tongue along your top lip. Your hand squeezes my hip in response. We are kissing hard and passionately, our tongues playfully flicking each other. My mind is becoming a complete blur. Usually I over think the kiss, wondering where to put my hands, when I can swallow the extra saliva, if my teeth are getting in the way but with you it all feels natural, like we’ve been kissing like this every day since the dawn of time. After what seems like a life time we break apart, still holding on to each other. “Wow” I breathe, my heart pounding, my lungs gasping for cool air, my body feeling like it’s on fire. “Yeah wow” you agree, you lick your lips and take a deep breath. I close my eyes and savour this moment; me being in your arms, that amazing kiss, it all seems like some spectacular dream that I’m about to wake up from. “Are you tired?” you ask, I open my eyes and see you peering at me all concerned. “No why?” I ask confused. “You had your eyes closed” “Oh” I blush “Sorry, just lost in the moment” you smile. “Okay, I understand” we just stand there for a moment longer, gazing into each other’s eyes like some lovesick couple. “Well I better get home, I have to get up early and go to the gym” Suddenly I feel sad. I don’t want you to go, I don’t want this night to end, it just keeps getting better and better. “Okay” I say mournfully. You lean forwards and kiss me on the cheek. It seems pitiful compared to the kiss we’ve just shared “I’ll call you okay?” I nod my head. With one last mega watt smile and wink from those purple sparkling eyes your gone. I watch you walk away until you disappear completely into the darkness, then I slowly make my own way home. From that day we became inseparable. We did practically everything together. We were one of those couples that everyone admires because we make everything look so easy. We’re not perfect and we never thought we were. We still have big fights like every other couple but we knew how to compromise (granted only after an hour’s sulking period). We just worked well together. During our first month together we kept quiet about us. We wanted to keep ourselves in this couple bubble you experience when a relationship is new. Some people call it the ‘Honeymoon Period’ but we called it ‘Our Bubble’. After a month in ‘Our Bubble’ we knew we had to tell people, my friends were getting upset with my lack of interest in seeing them. We were both so nervous as it meant we were official. We hadn’t discussed what we were between ourselves let alone tell the whole world what we were. Luckily everyone was so happy for us and ‘Our Bubble’ didn’t even burst like we feared, in fact it got deeper. Once we went official we finally went all the way. It was magical, awkward at first of course but once in the flow it was amazing. An experience I’ll never forget and an experience we retold each other many times. Talking about us was one of our favourite things to do before bed we would talk about our happy times, conversations even fights we could now laugh about. Our constant communication kept us going for four and half years. Every day I’d tell you what you meant to me, you already knew but I needed you to know that it hadn’t changed. Sometimes you shook your head and said “I know” but other times you would wrap me in your arms and tell me how much I meant to you. I was happy every day we were together not all day but at least once a day. Our relationship has been the best of my life; it took all the natural steps a relationship is expected to take from moving in together to getting engaged, all happening within our first two years together. We weren’t quite ready for an actual wedding and marriage but we talked about it every day just like we talked about our future, our kids, houses and parties and actual married life. I was never scared of our future falling apart by us breaking up. It never occurred to us we would break up. We never even discussed it because it simply would not happen… But I remember our last day together just as vividly as I remember our first. It was a Sunday, the day of rest. We had spent the entire day sunbathing in our garden occasionally splashing out feet in our tiny paddling pool whilst enviously hearing the kids next door splashing in an actual built in swimming pool. It was July and it had been one of those rare beautifully sunny weeks. We had spent that beautifully sunny week in an office building so allowed ourselves the weekend to do absolutely nothing, it was glorious. It was now the evening, I was sat in the garden on our swinging hammock reading my book in the fading sunlight and drinking an iced tea. You had gone to your mums house to discuss the latest news on your sister; the news being your sister wanted to drop out of university. Just as the sunset had finally turned to dusk you texted saying you were on your way home. The journey was only twenty minutes so in fifteen minutes I was going to go inside and make you a nice cold cocktail. I had images of us sitting on this swinging hammock sipping delicious yellow cocktails and talking about us. It had only been ten minutes when my mobile started ringing. I slowly reached below me on the grass for it, I really didn’t want to lose my rhythm of reading. I glanced at the screen and saw us smiling at me. It was my favourite photo of us. We were standing in our garden talking with your mum when a friend called our name, we both looked round smiling and a sudden flash went off. Your hand had been in the back pocket of my skirt whilst the other was holding an iced tea. I had been expressing myself with my hands as I spoke so they were in midair. It was so natural but also a perfect depiction of us; with me always talking and you by my side quiet but in constant contact with me. I remember after the photo I went all flustered, demanding the photo be deleted as I probably looked awful, luckily the friend had refused and skipped off to another couple. Later when I saw the photo I apologised profusely. I thought it was a bit strange you phoning me whilst driving but Sunday traffic can be so unpredictable, you could be at a standstill because of an accident or something. I dropped the book on my stomach, bending the spine backwards so I wouldn’t lose my place. “Hey Sweetie” I answered all cheery and relaxed. “Hey Babe” you answered your voice sounding all strained and serious. “What’s up?” I asked ignoring your tone, hoping it was the stress of traffic and nothing more serious. “I just wanted to phone to say I Love You” your voice echo’s, like where you are is deathly silent and your voice is the only sound. “I know” I giggle “I Love You” I hear you cough, it’s quite a wet cough, like you’re choking when you swallow and breathe at the same time “Anything else?” I ask, really trying hard not to worry. “Nope just I Love You” “Okay well see you when you get home” I force a positive tone into my voice. “Goodbye Babe” I hang up the phone and stare at it for a few minutes. Something on my mind was telling me something wasn’t right. That conversation was odd, almost final. I tried not to think about it as I went back to reading my book. But when an hour had passed since you rang I began to really worry and that bad feeling kept growing. I almost believed that you had been in an accident and that had been your final words to me but that idea was so silly, you would have told me on the phone plus you were such a safe driver that it wasn’t possible either. However I just could not shake the feeling that something bad had happened. I decided to ring your mobile again. I had been phoning before but there had been no answer, which of course is strange as you always answer calls from me even when you’re at work and aren’t actually allowed to answer your phone. There was no answer from you again. Where were you? My deepest fears were beginning to rise like fizz in a bottle. I even considered phoning your mum but I didn’t want to worry her especially if you were stuck in traffic all this time, chatting to the people in the car in front and not knowing your phone was ringing in your car. A knock at the front door corked my rising fears. Was that you? Had you forgotten your door key again? I’m always telling you to put your house keys and car keys on the same fob but you always say it makes your pockets too bulgy. I grabbed one of the glasses of cocktail I had poured earlier to welcome you with and opened our front door with the biggest, happiest smile on my face. But the smile soon feel when it wasn’t you standing at the door but two policemen in yellow jackets and flat hats. I froze, why were they here? They had to repeat my name four times before I could muster enough strength to nod. They both stepped inside closing the door behind them and taking their flat hats off. “We’re sorry to intrude like this but there’s been a terrible accident involving your partner” I look at them, tears springing to my eyes. I’m still clutching the cocktail glass. I knew then what the bad feeling meant but I didn’t want to hear them saying. It couldn’t be true, you were such a good driver, you couldn’t be…no…I’m shaking my head…it’s not true…not you…”I’m afraid it’s bad news. The paramedics did all they could but…I’m sorry” All I can remember from that moment was the sound of shattering glass, strong hands grabbing my back and my world turning upside down before fading to black. Time after that blended into one; one giant empty numb feeling. It was busy, so many people rushing to be around me, rushing to comfort me but no one able to reach me. I kept having nightmares about your accident, I hadn’t even been there. The police told me you had been coming off at the slip road when a car full of drunk teens swerves in front of a lorry whom in return swerved to avoid hitting them. The lorry clipped your car and you both lost control. You hurtled at seventy miles per hour into the side crash barrier and the front of the lorry hurtled at sixty miles per hour into you. The car full of the drunk teens drove off, probably not even aware what they had done. The damage to your car was a complete write off. The police said no one would have survived from that amount of damage. The crash barrier had crushed the passenger side of your car, the front cab of the lorry and completely crushed the side and roof of the driver’s side of the car not to mention the windscreen had shattered inwards and the stirring wheel had embedded itself in your lower abdomen. The police said you should have died instantly but you didn’t, you survived long enough to phone me and tell me you love me before slowly drowning in your own blood and haemorrhaging from your skull perforating your brain. In my darkest hours I wish you had been killed instantly so you didn’t have to suffer your slow but inevitable death. In lighter hours I am so grateful for your last phone call, for being the last thing on your mind and I really hope I helped lessen your pain. Your funeral was a blur. So many people came, so many flowers, so many ‘I’m sorry’ but none of it mattered, none of it reached me. One day I’ll look back and thank everyone but for the moment my only thought is you gone. My only feeling is one of pain and absence that I’ll never hear you laugh again, see your mega watt smile, gaze into your purple sparkling eyes, be held in your strong arms. No one has nothing on you, the most amazing person with the kindest heart and terrible jokes. The person who loved me every day, made me smile, made me happy, helped me develop into who I am today. I miss you every day and I will never stop loving you my Amazingly Beautiful and Kind Darling Girl.

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