I met this amazing guy who is the complete opposite to me and is a completely different type that I am usually attracted to.
His 25, he works full time in a 30k job, he drives and he has his own place. These aren’t what attracted me to him but these aspects are completely surprising to me.

We havent had a first date yet but we have had brief meet ups just to talk, cuddle and indeed make out in the front seat of his car. Very teenage for me aha.

Anyway I start to like this guy because he is different but seemingly wonderful but I just cant grasp what he does. I’ll text him and he won’t text back for ages and when he does its something entirely different to what I texted him. And only he arranges when we’re gonna meet and its never at a normal time like evenings no its 2am in the morning. He confuses me and I feel pathetic and needy and there is no way I am any of those things. I’m not used to this. I haven’t dated like this in 4 years. I know dating is where you get to know each other but it usually helps if the other person is bothered. Maybe I should just begin to push this guy away. His credentials and fantastic but his obviously too old for me to contemplate and my age really shows through.
I was I could be like Rory Gilmore, focused on my reading and crafts rather than having my mind obsess over unattainable older guys and stupid ex best friends.

To all those people who call themselves my friend!

You should be ashamed of yourselves! How dare you call yourselves my friend when you can’t even be there for me  in my time of need. I am ill with a pandemic and I would have appreciated a bit more love than your silence. I have receieved word from very few people and it makes me feel abandoned!

Whats worse is that some of you have outright lied to my face! “We aren’t going to choose sides” well guess what it seems like you already have. Especially when you go out with him but refuse to see me, fobbing me off with pathetic excuses. I trusted you lot to stand by me through this hard time I am being put through instead you are just loading the gun his holding.

I wish I wasnt so forgiving because then you wouldnt walk all over me but nope the fool I am will always forgive even when you do your worst.

Why do nice people always get treated like shite especially by their friends????

Have you ever sat in a quiet place and just listened to the world around you?
Have you ever sat in a park and watched the world around you?
Have you ever sat in someone elses shoes and spoke of their world around them?

What if for one day you could be in one persons shoes. It could be anyone, a celebrity, a crush, a partner or just a friend.
Would you listen to their world?
Would you watch their world?
Would you speak of their world?

What if you thought that persons world was perfect but when you finally lived it you realised it’s just as troubled as yours.
Would you be nicer to them?
Would you try to ease their troubles?
Or would you carry on pretending that their world was perfect even if you knew it was far from it?

What if you lost a friend because of some lies?
Would you try and get them back by admitting the lies?
Would you fight for the friendship claiming both sides were guilty?
Or would you move past the friendship, claiming it to be another chapter in the book of your life?

What if you regret everything about yourself
Would you change?
Or would you remain the same?

Everyone thinks of what if

What if you sat in a quiet place and all you could hear was silence
Would that mean nothing was there to make any sound and would that mean you’re all alone

What if you sat in a park and watched the people around you
Would you expect them to watch you and if they didn’t would that mean you’re all alone

What if you spoke about someone else’s life once you lived in their shoes
Would you be truthful about them or would you allow them to remain all alone

Have You,

Would You…

What if?

Yup a so called friend of mine today turned round and told me that they no longer consider me to be alive anymore because I mean nothing to them so I’m as good as dead!!!
How charming is that. Does make me wonder what type of person I am to have someone consider me as dead to them. I really don’t truly believe I am that terrible a person but according to four people this year I really am so terrible that they have to block me on facebook and consider me as good as dead!
The question is…why aren’t I screwed up into a tiny ball, crying my heart out and wishing death upon me. The answer is that although I have a few bad apple of friends I also have some truly wonderful ones who would never want me dead.
Plus I now have a gorgeous kitten called Tilly, who only weighs 1lb and she is just too darn cute to give up
xx

But you can’t can you?…you just can’t let me go.

You know it’s kinda pathetic in a way because you blocked me from Facebook, you screwed me over, you lied and cheated and hated but yet YOU are the one that can’t let go of ME.

Oh you deleted me from Facebook because you screwed him when I asked you not to. But yet you added me as a friend again because you began screwing my mate. And now you block me because you could no longer screw with me.

You are a Loser, a pathetic excuse for a human being

I should hate you but instead I pity you. That’s right I pity YOU. Do you know why?…Because I have managed to gather the broken pieces you left my life in and I’ve managed to make a real person out of me from them. Yet you are still sitting in silly land thinking your life is perfect because you have the perfect boyfriend and the perfect friends and the perfect life. Little do you know your perfect little world is going to tumble down all at once and you are going to be left with nothing. It’s already beginning to fall but you are trying your hardest to ignore it

Just leave me alone! I leave you alone because I don’t want you to exist in my life anymore. But Nooooo you can’t have that so you send ‘quirky’ little messages on my friends facebooks. You destroy an 18 year friendship for shits and giggles

just FUCK OFF. I don’t need you and your shit ruining what happiness I salvaged from the last time you ruined me. I don’t need him, if he wants to be no 1 arsehole and listen to you then personally I dont need that. Just go away and let me be happy. Just for once think of someone else, just for this once do me a favour and fuck off and disappear and stay disappeared

and I’m fucking sick of it!!!!!
why is it that people can do whatever they want to me and I’ll lay down and let them but when I start to rebel I am made out to be the bad person and much be fucking punished for it. where is the fucking justice in that
for the past month I have been feeling so utterly low about myself, trying in everyway to communicate how I am feeling to people who are meant to be my friends and still they dont grab the fucking message and come and help me well guess what you fuckers I have now turned angry, congratulations, pat yourselfs on the frickin back.
most people I know are a waste of space in my life but pathetic doormat like me allows them to conintue wasting space in my life
tonight I told a friend I felt invisible and they ignored me for an hour how frickin ironic is that
I am not going to stand by and allow the rest of the world to walk over me and make me feel shit about myself whilst I suffer and they think they have  a sweet life
you all piss me off and the people who treat me like this should feel really shit about themselves for treating a fellow friend this way.
I dont do it so I dont expect other people to do it

what it was to be Me. To be happy, to be content to be normal. Nothing pleases me. No pleasure, no happiness. I am striving to find a light in this dark world instead I’m stumbling round finding nothing but smooth walls and loneliness. I am angry at the world. I’m angry for making me feel this way. For making me feel this unhappy and for making it seem like it’ll last for a long time. 2009 was meant to be the year for happiness instead it feels like its the year of pain and depression and loneliness and i havent got enough spirit left for it to continue like this. Life better perk up soon! I can’t stand this but I dont know what to do to make things better.

I’m lonely and sad
fix that!!!!!!

You’re the one on my mind
You’re the one in my dreams
You’re the one on my sleeve
You’re the one I need

I can’t get you off my mind
not long enough for a peace of mind
not long enough for sleep to take me
not long enough for you to fade me

I can’t decide what to do
Do I continue or do I cut
There’s nothing more I want
Then to kiss you one more time
To hold your hand
To hold you close
To call you mine

But now is not right
I’m not ready for that
This waiting game isn’t my thing
But it’s the only thing I have

So for now I just wait
And hope & trust in fate
The only thing I am certain of
Is that I’m nothing

…and I am still wide awake still poxy fuming with my stupid poxy job!!!!

Nobody works at a perfect place, there will always be ups and downs however this job takes the biscuit a little too much and I am not taking it any more. I am snatching my biscuit back and handing it to someone else.
For New Years Eve I am suppose to be working 12-10 and on New Years Day I am suppose to be working 9-6

Shit hours right? Tell me about it

The thing is I have plans and there is no way on this poxy planet I am giving up these plans for a job that does not even consider me a proper employee. A job that thinks I do not derserve holiday, paid or unpaid. I am just there to do the hours other people do not want to do.

Well you have made it abundantly clear that I am only there as your slave the thing is I am not a slave, I am an employee, a human, a person who has a life other than this job and if what you said is true Mister Bully than I know where the exit is and I will not find a reason for you to fire me because I leave already. Now who is left in the shit to cover my shit hours.

You have personal problems with me leave them in your personal life do not make them affect your work life which in consequence affects me. I have done nothing wrong for you to act like this way towards me and I will continue to do nothing wrong. I gave my summer to you, I worked 68 hours in a row for you, I stressed and almost lost the closest people to me because of you. I did not have the summer I should have had.

Therefore I am leaving to somewhere that wont be perfect but wont make me feel worthless and criticise my hard work instead of rewarding it

Yeah I’m at home for the second weekend going. I like home it’s comfortable and a hell of a lot better than being in my flat

Well I’ve kinda started writing something…like a story, I think its good. I’m not sure. An author can never know if their work is good until someone reads it. I’m pretty into writing it. It just started off one evening after I watched The Tudors and kinda escalated into more and more.

To know the end of a story you need to start from the beginning. Only then can you understand the true meaning of what is being told. How it began justifies how it will end. And how it ends is nothing but The End.

It all started with two sisters. The elder and the younger. The wife and the mistress. The Queen and her Maid of Honour.

The King, a ravishing young man who always considered The People before considering his own people, was also a greedy man. He was not merely content with one sister, oh no he wanted both. No sooner had he consummated the marriage of his beloved Queen he consummated his unofficial marriage to his Sister-in-Law.

Night after night he made love to his Queen before leaving her chamber to make love to his other Queen. His heart desired the other whilst the court desired the one.

But the other fell pregnant before the one. She was to be banished from court until the birth of her child, and if it was a boy then the King would grant her return but if it was a girl she was to remain banished until the one fell pregnant.

And this is where our story begins, with the other, named Belle. Sweet Belle, kind beautiful Belle. Belle who could speak no wrong but who suffered so dreadfully when she should have been the one.

“My lady I bring news from your sister” Grace announced bowing slightly and handing a cream letter, wax sealed with the royal mark, to Lady Belle. Belle smiled and reached a hand out for the letter. She could not lean forwards much, as her pregnant belly was so big now it was becoming impossible to move at all.

The fire crackled in the hearth beside Belle but gave great warmth to her as she suffered so dreadfully from the cold. More from her own sorrow then the cold itself.

Grace retreated back beside the bedroom door and watched as Belle first stroked the seal and then kissed it.

“I have so missed my sister, the King banned her from communication with me in case I let slip the father of my unborn child” Belle laughed softly “As if a person like me could ever cause that much harm to my own blood” Grace did not like to tell Belle that she had possibly already caused that harm by sleeping with the King in the first place. Belle knew these thoughts, as the same thoughts troubled her every night as she lay awake.

“What does it say my lady?” Grace asked cautiously. Belle did not mind Grace talking boldly in fact Belle welcomed it.

“Come Grace sit beside me, I will not have you freeze by the door” Belle smiled her gentle smile and pulled the chair in front of her nearer with her bare foot. Grace bowed her head and proceeded to sit beside Belle. “Much better, I do hate you acting like my sister’s lady, you are my friend and deserve to be by my side” Grace smiled and squeezed Belle’s hand. Belle returned the smile and the squeeze before hurriedly opening the letter.

let me know what you think yeah?
cool beans
xxxx